Anxiety...

People will mistake my anxiety as lack of interest and being anti social, but I want to be social and I really do care. What they don't realize is I spend hours rehearsing what I'm going to say. Running through all the possible ways a conversation can go, practicing all my answers to any questions they may ask. I want to ask about how things are going, but I'm trying to find the right way and right time. I'll text you from the other room, not because I'm to lazy to come ask you in person, but because I can think about and edit the text before sending it and take my time to reply to make sure what I send is good, and conveys what I am trying to say. Some days I want to hide in my room because its safe. On those days the fact that I made it out of my room is an accomplishment. After a conversation I will replay it over and over thinking about what I should have said differently. No amount of telling my self that my fears are irrational makes them go away. My anxiety make me tense sometimes, and If you have ever had a tight muscle you know it take double the energy to move it then it normally does. Easy tasks become hard, like wiping the table makes you tired.



https://www.time-to-change.org.uk/blog/life-anxiety-hard-when-people-dont-understand


I read this article and agree, If you can take the time to read it.

Cliche Thanksgiving post

I wanted to take a few minutes (while the babies are asleep)  to let everyone know what I'm thankful for this year and why.

I am thankful for my family, and all the support and laughter they have given me this year. We have had our share of fights but we reconcile much faster than we used to. They have been a great support while I'm out here in KS. Even while they made a lot of changes in their lives that have made them stressed, they never turned me down when I needed something. They never fail to make me smile with the endless banter in the group chats. (Yes, we have many) My mom and aunt Lauren are ALWAYS there when I need advice with something, or if I'm just feeling homesick and need a chat. My family includes Trey's family as well. They have been so supportive and helpful with a wide range of things, from storing my broken car, to letting Trey use the truck to pick me up from the airport, to taking great care of my cats!

    Planning a wedding is not easy even if you are just running off to a different continent. I have had an AMAZING group of women who have helped and supported me the last year through this long process. They have told me when I'm being too ambitious and that certain things simply won't work. When ever I need help with anything I can reach out will get at least 1, if not all 5, of them offering suggestions.  I still can't believe that in just over a month I will be married!!!!!!!!

    I am very thankful for Trey, and him putting up with me the last year. Long distance relationships are super hard. We have had many miscommunication, which lead to fights. He is patient with me while I pout and don't talk to him for a few hours, ok more like all day. We have done fairly well at keeping our promise to never go to bed angry with one another. He puts up with my crazy and loves me anyway, which I know is not easy sometimes. ;) 

    My job has given me countless adventures, and taught me so much. I have gone to the Cayman, twice! I collected so many shells and loved to just watch the waves crash on the beaches. I also got to go to Belgium and tour the cities. I saw some really pretty buildings, and very narrow streets. It has also provided me with a place to live and financial security, which has allowed me to pay for my wedding and help others out. 

    This year I have made some new friends. They have made living so far from home, a lot easier. It's amazing to have friends I can go to on the weekends just to hang out with and watch movies with. From doing their make-up, to going to the Ren Fair, this year with you guys has been awesome. I'm excited to see what trouble we will cause next. I have so many friends I could list and thank for all the amazing little things you all have done, from feeding my addiction of soft mints, to sending cards and coloring books, or just texting me when I am having a bad day.

 Thank you everyone for your support and encouragement this year! I love you all and can't wait to see you all really soon!!!!! <3

Memories

Life hasn't been easy, but then, no ones is. I have been so homesick since my last visit home. The holidays and colder weather don't seem to be helping.  I spend a lot of time in the house with the babies which leaves me to get in my own head. Usually this leads to anxiety issues, lately though I've been thinking about how things used to be. Things me and my sisters did growing up, playing side all summer, showing goats and going to all the fairs. Baking with Shay when he was little and needed a chair to reach the counter. Painting the girls nails, and drawing mustaches and uni-brows on all of them before Lauren woke up.  Remembering the first time I realized Trey liked me. It was like the second or third time we had hung out at school. We walked around for a bit talking about the "black-sheep" of our families.   We swapped many stories of things our aunts and uncles had done as kids. We went to the Cyber Cafe and sat by the window and kept talking. I was staring out the window, and he was just watching me. We talked for a bit more then had to go to class. That was more than 4 years ago, the weeks that followed we talked more and more. My friends started to notice that he was with me when ever I was at school. Im pretty sure he came to school just to see me a few times. I could go through a thousand little moments like that. Where he didn't say anything but I new he loved me.

Little things, little moments with the people I love, those are what I miss the most. Trey and I are constantly saying how we miss the little things. Cuddling after a bad day, food shopping, driving around singing loudly, and many more little moments we didn't expect to miss. If there was one thing we have learned through this LDR, is to cherish the small things, and never take them for granted.
I will be home for a visit soon, I am very excited about spending thanksgiving with our families. :)

Visit Home

I love CT!! I've been home (CT will always be home no matter where I live) for 36 hours. I've so far I've seen a bunch of friends, and have plans to see my family tonight. I love seeing everyone and hanging out with old friends. It's like I never left. I'm so happy I have 4 more days!!

I'm on my plane back finishing this. I had the best visit ever, which makes for the hardest good byes. I'm glad no one is sitting next to me so they can't see the tears rolling down my cheeks. I had so much fun with everyone, sadly I didn't get to see everyone. However, I saw my parents and had amazing visits with them. Even managed to steal 2 hugs from my dad! I went birthday dress shopping with my mom and sammy, and had soooo much fun. We all were laughing the whole time. Well, sammy wasn't when I made her try on this to small red dress and take a pic with me. That doesn't count though.
I went wedding dress shopping with 3 amazing women, Jenny, Lauren, and Sue (Treys mom). We, again, laughed the whole time, and had so much fun. I picked out a very cute dress. IT HAS POCKETS!!!!!AND LACE!!?!?!? HAHA
I met a bunch of Trey's extended family and had fun talking them at his aunts birthday party.   I got to hang out with my ASL friends, they are as amazing as ever! We were missing one though :/ 
My last night, Trey and I stayed at aunt Lauren's. I haven't done that in well over a year. It was omg soooo great!!! The kids had NO clue I was coming. It took them a second to realize that it was me. Then Cora, hugged me for like 5 minutes straight. I got to have breakfast with them, and see them off to school. Cora was so sad I wasn't going to be there when she got home from school. She told me I should move close to her so I can see her more often. That girl nearly broke my heart....
Trey and I drove to Boston, only to get a message my flight is delayed. So we ran to Walmart to grab headphones (I had forgot mine at his place).  He knew I was really stressed out about my flight, so he took me down to the beach for an hour before taking me to the airport. He knows me so well, he knew a long walk on the beach was what I need to calm down.
I'm going to miss home so very much. 2.5 months and I'll be back! I love ya'll<3

The Climb

I have been listening to ALOT of music the last few weeks. The babies sleep better with it on. 

So everyday I try and put something different on, to keep things fresh and entertaining for me. So the other day I put on a Disney playlist. There is so many good songs and motivational songs in the play list and its clean which is perfect for the kids. There was one song that really stuck with me; The Climb, by Miley Cyrus.

I know I know, she's not the greatest person, but I'm not focusing on that. I want to focus on the songs lyrics. 

I can almost see it

That dream I'm dreaming, but

There's a voice inside my head saying

You'll never reach it

Every step I'm taking

Every move I make feels

Lost with no direction

My faith is shaking

But I, I gotta keep trying

Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain

I'm always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be an uphill battle

Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing

The chances I'm taking

Sometimes might knock me down, but

No, I'm not breaking

I may not know it

But these are the moments that

I'm gonna remember most, yeah

Just gotta keep going

And I, I gotta be strong

Just keep pushing on, 'cause

There's always gonna be another mountain

I'm always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be an uphill battle

Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb

Yeah

There's always gonna be another mountain

I'm always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be an uphill battle

Sometimes you're gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb

Yeah, yeah

Keep on moving, keep climbing

Keep the faith, baby

It's all about, it's all about the climb

Keep your faith, keep your faith

Whoa

 So the last week has been really hard, I had alot on my plate for work. I didn't think I was handling everything as well as I should have been. I agreed to work with this family till next summer. As a result when I am having a bad day I tend to focus on how much long i have here and whats on the other side. This song is a good reminder that I shouldn't be focusing on "getting out" but on enjoying the time I have here. In the end, my memories will be in the things I learned and what I accomplished. If I spend all my time thinking about how hard things have gotten and wishing I was done, all of those good memories will be tainted. I need to remember to ask myself on the bad days, how can I learn from this, and how can I turn this around and make this better. Now, I realize that not all problems can be fixed this day and that some days are just going to be sh*tty, but that's what chocolate is for.   

Do you have any tricks for staying positive through hard times?? 

Long days

So my job keeps me busy. Like really busy. Babies eat every 3 hours and it take almost a hour and a half to feed them so I have an hour and a half to get everything else done.  Let's just say I don't get much done. Some days are worse with babies that are really fussy, but other days are a little better where they sleep perfectly. Most days I get thrown up on at least once. I've peed on. Some days push me to my breaking point. I've come close to crying in front of my boss. Those who know me know I hate crying, especially in front of others. Some how by the grace of God, I have made it through these hard days. And I'll keep make it work. Everyday I don't quit or give in, I get stronger. I'm exhausted, physically, emotionally, spiritually, any way you can be exhausted, I am. However that's when you grow the most when your at your wits end, not when you're doing good. Those of you who pray, please pray that God continues to give me the strength and patience to do this job. And those who don't keep sending me your good vibes. <3

One year check in...

Its been over a year since I last talked with you all. I hope you are all doing well. So much has happened but there are two main big changes I want to tell you all about.

First of all..... I GOT ENGAGED!!!!! Last October!! I am very excited! Trey and I are getting married in January, in New Zealand. Its just going to be us and 3 friends. No family, no drama (hopefully).  There was enough drama when I told my parents that I had gotten engaged. Many words were exchanged. Things were said that hurt more than a thousand knives, and can never be taken back. I know one day these wounds will heal, but the scars will still remain. I love my parents and understand why they take the stand they do, even though I don't agree with them. They have chosen not to support or attend a traditional wedding. This is one of the reasons we decided that we would get married over seas. We have decided to make an adventure out of it, and are going to make the most of it. We are getting married in January but we wont live together until June, because....

I am in Kansas and have been for the last 6 months! I took a nanny job in out here in January. The kids I nanny for are 10, just turned 12, and twin 3 weeks old girls. I has been a struggle to adjust to life out here. I live with them and so I cant help but feeling a loss of my independence. About once a month I get profoundly home sick and miss everyone so much. but most of the time I am content with my job. I really do enjoy my job, the kids are great. I have made some great friends out here. They are amazing support system, and help me when I am down. I spend most of my weekends at there houses. My time out here has not been what I expected but it is still good. I don't regret coming out here only wish i could have taken home out here with me.

Some other changes I will just tell you, My grand father and Uncle on my Dads side past away. My car is broken again. My parents just sold the house I grew up in. Trey took a job in upstate New York, and is graduating in Dec. After he graduates he will move to upstate New York to be a camp site director. After I finish out here I will move up with him.