Friday, May 12, 2017


As you all know I have severe anxiety. This makes small problems big deals, not because I want attention or I'm being dramatic, but because I am truly afraid, even when I know that fear is irrational sometimes. Most days I can cope, most days I am ok.  Other days I'm a complete mess.
Years ago I was told that anxiety was not a condition that needed medicine, you only need to seek the Lord's help. Even back then I knew that was wrong. Now before you all jump on me, about how the Lord is in control of everything, and the numerous bible verses about fretting not, I'm not going to tell you that you shouldn't ask God for help. My faith plays a part in making me less anxious,  however it is not the only piece.
In my experience, little as it may be, there are two main types of anxiety, the ones we can control and the ones we cant. God help me with the ones that are controllable, my medication help with the ones that aren't. The meds reduce the uncontrollable times, so that I can have control and worry less. There are still times when I have no control, even to the point where I can't regulate my breathing. These are panic attacks, having a panic attack is does not mean you are looking for attention. You can't control them. They can come out of no where, any thing could be a trigger. This is the worst part of anxiety, the fact that you don't have control and everyone thinks you do.
Telling some one that is anxious to relax that there is nothing to worry about, or to stop being so dramatic, is the most frustrating and insulting part. Chance are we already feel bad that we are so anxious, and not being able to control it. Saying these things can make a person even more subconscious about being anxious which can make it worse. We stay being anxious about being anxious, and so begins a downward spiral.
We don't want special treatment either, we don't need a bubble around us. We just want some consideration, that when we freak out you give us some space and time to collect our selves. And everyone needs a different amount of space, you have to figure out what works for you. Some days will be bad, and you won't want to see anyone or doing anything, but others days you can go all day and not have a problem. There are days that you go all day and the right before bed you lose it really hard.
Remember none of us are mind readers, so you might not know what we're  freaking out about, it may be something that happened 10 years ago, or something that has never happened. There are times when we have absolutely no idea what is wrong.
My boyfriend uses the distraction method. When I start to have a panic attack he starts talking about babies. (I love babies) This has worked really well for me. Finding a way for him to help took some time but it was worth it.
Be patient. Nothing is fixed over night, but things do get better.

Lots of love <3

Monday, April 10, 2017

Settling down? ??!?!?!

So things got really crazy and felt out of control for a while. But in the last two days things seem to be falling into place and settling down, (knock on wood). The court case got wrapped up, I lost. I decided to not worry about my jobs after I move and just focus on keeping track of the week ahead of me. Which is alot harder than one might think. I settled on the dates that I will be in KS. I have enough jobs that I can pay all my bills and pay my parents. My parents and I are doing great! Trey has come over a couple times to hang out with them, and they are all doing well with each other, which makes me unbelievably happy.
There are still things yet to be settled, but I'm trying not to think about those too much. We finally got my meds dialed in, and I'm not gave panick attacks as frequently or as bad as I was. My over all anxiety is way down. To the point that I'm sitting out side in the middle of CCSU'S campus, and not feeling extremely pariniod. Which is a huge improvement from not being able to walk from the dorm to my car alone.
Things are going pretty good, and I hope they stay this way and continue to get better. Hope you are all doing great, and enjoying this lovely spring weather. :) <3

Sunday, January 8, 2017

New year....

Ok so it's been a while, but things have been nuts. The whole car situation got most of the way solved. So I bought a car when the insurance money finally came in, but that car turned out to be not safe to drive, so we are trying to get my money back from the people but well they don't want to give it back. My parents paid for a car for me, I will be paying them back for the next 2 years.
Christmas was great!!! I had fun with all of my family's (Treys and mine). It was nice to be include in to treys traditions this year. I had so much fun I can't even being to explain, I think we went to 6 or 7 Christmas parties.
New years was quite, I baby sat for aunt Lauren.
Apparently nat and I went through more oil then we should have considering the thermastat was set at 65 or lower. Yesterday in the snow storm, it was discovered that we had no oil and therfore no heat. So that was, IS stress full.
So I'm stressed about trying to make a little money go a very long way, so this is the not fun part of adulting.

Even though I'm really stressed, I know I'll figure it out. The big guy upstairs always seems to make things work in ways I can't explain, I shouldn't have been able to make my rent for the last two months, but I managed to. I have some really great friends, that always seem to know what I need, with out me asking them. I have a great family that supports me all the time. The relationship between me andy mom has gotten to the point that she now text me to find out why I haven't visited in a few days. Which I think is great!! I love my mom, over the last month no matter what problems I through at her she always has an answer, I may not agree but it's nice to know she takes the time to try and help me. I'm really thankful for the people in my life. I can't even being to explain how everyone has touched me. It's been a really stressful and yet blessed month.

Friday, December 2, 2016

Can things get any crazier????

YIKES!! So its been a long time since I have posted... Things have been REALLY busy crazy!

So I think last time I was here was before I moved... SO I moved. I now live with my older sister. We share a 2 bedroom apartment in Moodus. I am loving it! Her and I are working out a few "kinks", but its still way better than my old apartment.
I now know how to deal with a bank when your debt card gets scammed... that was fun...well they had fun anyway, they were in Nevada. :/
I left my job at Absolute Auto, and now do before and after school care for a sweet girl. I also dog sit in the middle of the day. J
On the first day of my new jobs I was in a car accident that totaled my car. I am not hurt at all, but have been with out a car for about a month now. I have been dealing with his insurance company, because I was not at fault. He drove OVER the hood of my car... :/  I am still waiting for the check from them, so I can purchase a new car.
I now have two cats, Dumble-Dorf (aka Mr.Prick-els) is a boy, and Smoke is a girl. They are very cute, and need LOTS of petting. The other day I was trying to eat some chips and he kept trying to get one, so I gave him one and he licked all the salt off and then left it in the middle of the floor...

In the last few months, I have been so very thankful for my parents and family. They have helped me SO very much, with well... everything. Even now I'm typing on moms computer. The relationship between me and my mom is probably the best it has EVER been. I am very happy about that. My family extends to beyond the reaches of this house. My aunt and uncle continue to be a huge blessing. Lauren has helped me navigate this twisted path of anxiety, and has been a rock on which I climb when I feel like I'm drowning.  Andy has been giving me great life advice and tips. Treys family has been great as well they are always there if I just need to chill and relax. Trey and I have made Sunday dinners at there house, our tradition. I enjoy these dinners immensely, they are a time of jesting and fun. Trey has also been hard at work repairing the relationship with my parents, for this I am both happy and thankful.
  I am excited for the holidays coming up, I am helping mom with preparations. Yesterday I spent the afternoon wrapping garland on the railing posts. I am very excited for all the parties, I love getting together with every one. This year is a mix of Treys family and mine, which is very exciting for me.

Oh yeah I turn 19, tomorrow... :) I cant believe I am already 19! ahhh!!!!

I hope to post more regularly but with the holidays, I make no promises. XOXO

Thursday, September 29, 2016

News flash: Family is the best thing ever!!!

OK so we all know the last two years have been strained between me and my family.

Well the last week or two, I have been SO blessed by my family. I'm moving which is very stressful, incase you didn't know. Dealing with 2 landlords, a real estate agent, my old room mate, coordinating with my sister that I'm moving in with, ect. It's been crazy! My family has been SO helpful! Mom has been very involved in this whole process, helping us find the apartment. Mom and Dad took me to see the apartment and meet the landlord. They helped us financially with the deposit. Abby offered up a room in her house for me too stay for the week so I could make this whole thing work. She has been a great host, and I've had a great time staying there. When my tire went flat and the spare was just as flat, Justin helped me. When I was at my wits end and feeling beyond stressed out, Lauren helped me see that this month has not been all bad, that some major good things have happened. Like Trey having a very serious and long awaited conversation with my mom. For which I am so proud of him and her, words can not covey how glad I am that it went SOOO smoothly.

The last two weeks have been REALLY hard, but I have felt VERY blessed by my family the entire time. A friend of mine was commenting that she was glad I was doing better with my parents and said, "everyone has their shit, but family are the people that forgive you and love you all the same despite your shit". No matter what I do, I know my family loves me, wither they like it or not.

Having my family involved in my life again, is amazing, and I hope we never split again.

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

We've Been Programed!!!

So at work today I noticed that we have programed responses....

Yeah just like a computer we have conditioned to say certain things. How many times today has someone asked you how you were doing and with pausing to think, you reply with your typical answer; fine, im okay, good, finer than a frogs hair (my dads favorite). And at the end of your interaction when they say have a good day, you reply "you too".

Now this is NOT a conspiracy theory! The government is not tampering with our brains. These responses are not wrong or bad in any way, but often they are insincere. I know for me its easier to tell every one Im doing good, even when before talked to them I was wiping tears from my eyes. Id rather LIE and tell them in not falling apart, or tiered, or in a really bad mood. Why is this??? Is it because we don't want people to know we aren't perfect? or simply our personal business? Is it because it would take 4 more seconds to give a truthful answer? Do we think the other person wont care? do we not want to burden other people with our problems?  I know I have used all these reasons to rationalize lying. Im sure you have your set of reasons too.
Now I have some sympathy when this is done to complete strangers, but when we do this to people we know! WHY????? They already know a lot about us. Why can't we be honest with them for 4 seconds!?!?! Im guilty of this, just as much as the next person. I refuse to blame social media for this, because I've been doing this way longer than I've been on FaceBook, or had a cell phone.
I honestly don't understand why I do this. It bothers me to no end that I do it, yet breaking a habit after 8+ years!?!?!? its going to be hard... but I want to stop being so insincere with my conversations. Maybe just maybe, it'll make my days better, to the point where replying with a good, it the truth.
I hope you have a great day, (really I do)  ;)

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Personal Growth

If you couldn't tell by now I like looking at my personal growth, I find it really encouraging.

SO one year ago I did something that changed my life COMPLETLY! I told my parents (upon being black mailed) that I was still talking the man they told me not to, for many reasons. I confessed to (most of) the stuff we did. This changed things for me, my parents, sisters, and Trey.

My parents GRACIOUSLY gave me THREE options, as to how I could proceed; I chose to move out. Now before you start in on my parents go back and re-read that sentence.... did you re-read it? Good. Notice that I said Graciously, options, and chose; No? Try again. I said those thing because they didn't have to give me any options, let alone three. They allowed me to make my own decision about my life. Which is like the nicest thing they could of done, considering that I had been SERIOUSLY lying to them for a LONG time. That had a major, huge, ginormous, impact on my relationship with my parents and sisters. For a long time there was a very very strained relationship between me and them. There was ALWAYS love for each other, but interactions were strained. However I am really excited and proud to report that the relationship with my parents and sisters, has become something so very wonderful. I have gotten closer to my little sister (they may be taller than me but they will always be my little sisters), mom and will talk about our life problems like two friends might. Talking with mom used to terrify me (I don't know why) but now I look forward to my conversations with her, and enjoy being in her company. I get giddy when I know I'm going to see them. (LIKE TONIGHT!!!!!!!) Now this may because I hate being alone, but my sisters are great, and are growing up into enchanting young woman! Things that they used to that drive me crazy, (Nathalie I know you will make a comment that its not a far drive)  I now cherish. I love my family, ALL of them.
The last year held a lot of tears, but I am very relieved about how everything worked out. As the diamond starts off as a black smelly mess, coal; so did that chapter of my life. However though the pressure, we all came out more like diamonds <> I still have a long way to go, and that excites me.
Peace and blessings :) <3