Personal Growth

If you couldn't tell by now I like looking at my personal growth, I find it really encouraging.

SO one year ago I did something that changed my life COMPLETLY! I told my parents (upon being black mailed) that I was still talking the man they told me not to, for many reasons. I confessed to (most of) the stuff we did. This changed things for me, my parents, sisters, and Trey.

My parents GRACIOUSLY gave me THREE options, as to how I could proceed; I chose to move out. Now before you start in on my parents go back and re-read that sentence.... did you re-read it? Good. Notice that I said Graciously, options, and chose; No? Try again. I said those thing because they didn't have to give me any options, let alone three. They allowed me to make my own decision about my life. Which is like the nicest thing they could of done, considering that I had been SERIOUSLY lying to them for a LONG time. That had a major, huge, ginormous, impact on my relationship with my parents and sisters. For a long time there was a very very strained relationship between me and them. There was ALWAYS love for each other, but interactions were strained. However I am really excited and proud to report that the relationship with my parents and sisters, has become something so very wonderful. I have gotten closer to my little sister (they may be taller than me but they will always be my little sisters), mom and will talk about our life problems like two friends might. Talking with mom used to terrify me (I don't know why) but now I look forward to my conversations with her, and enjoy being in her company. I get giddy when I know I'm going to see them. (LIKE TONIGHT!!!!!!!) Now this may because I hate being alone, but my sisters are great, and are growing up into enchanting young woman! Things that they used to that drive me crazy, (Nathalie I know you will make a comment that its not a far drive)  I now cherish. I love my family, ALL of them.
The last year held a lot of tears, but I am very relieved about how everything worked out. As the diamond starts off as a black smelly mess, coal; so did that chapter of my life. However though the pressure, we all came out more like diamonds <> I still have a long way to go, and that excites me.
Peace and blessings :) <3

Name Calling

As kids in school we are taught the saying: Sticks and stone may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Now this is true if we are looking at the physical body, words wont make scars or break bones. Words do hurt us though, words cause wounds that sometimes never heal. Name calling is one the deepest wounds we can afflict on some one. When some one calls us a name we try to reject it at first, but soon we start to believe it. Eventually we only see ourselves as what those names people have called us, and not what we truly are.

Growing up I've been called a lot of names, it didn't bother me until someone complimented me. The first time I remember getting a compliment from some one I wasn't close with, I had NO CLUE what to say, till my mom told me to say ''thank you''... I had no clue thats what I should say! When I started to date Trey, and he would compliment me, I felt so undeserving of them. At one point I told him to stop complimenting me and I would PREFER it if he insulted me. Needless to say he didn't stop and his attempts to insult me were more laughable than his jokes. I'm getting the hang of receiving compliments, maybe not believing them, but I'm working on it. The problem with this, as I learned today, is that that more you get complimented, the more the insults hurt. I was called a not so lovely name by some one I at one time held in the highest regard. I'm not sure which hurts more, who it came form, or the what she called me. This woman may never know the impact her words have me. I refuse to lower my self to her level and call her names. This is why I chose to not put her name here. Instead I urge you if you have been called names, to not believe them for they aren't true. They are acts of jealousy mostly. So next time some one calls you something take it as the opposite, smile and thank them. For you clearly have something they want, and can not have.
May you all have a wonder full day. <3

525,600

525,600 minutes. That's how many minutes are in a year. According to the song seasons of love from rent. Which has recently become a favorite. As you may know, I love to look at personal grow over a year, of my own and others. I find it to be one of the biggest encouragers. The song is all about how do you measure a year or the life of a man. And it gives various ways to measure and then suggest love. And so i want to take the time and measure my year by how much love i have gotten.
As I'm sure you know, the last has been shall we say full, of events, and I have many people that have shown me love in various ways. I think the deepest love came from the person I hurt the most deeply and repeatedly, and yet she forgave me. This would be my Mom.
The next person, is my aunt Lauren and Uncle Andy. They have helped me, I'm many ways, but mostly when ever I was feeling, low, upest, mopey, sad, frustrated, angry, hurt, basicly anything, they would sit and listen often for hours, to my rants and raves. And give me advice, and encourage me, and when all else failed the kids would give hugs and cuddles.
Trey. Yup this guy has been out through the ringer. Dating me is probably one of his most stressful activities. But he's handled it really well. He seen me smile and let me cry for like what felt like forvever, he's been with me through my anxiaty, and he keeps on hiking through.
Mara who at the perfect moments will send me a quote or a video of a baby sloth...??. To light up my day when things are just not going well.
Josh that I can just show up at his house at like 11pm and cry for 30min, and he acts like that happens all the time.
Alex, you put up with alot. And will frankly tell me to stop, when I start feeling stressed about something.
The list of friends that is always there when I need them, or that will randomly text me to see how I'm doing, as if they ready know I'm having a bad day, goes on for miles, but my phone battery is about to die.... so I love you guys.

Thank you to everyone. If I where to measure this past year, by how much love i have received it's more than 525,600 moments.
XOXO

Bad Day

This week has been.... well long is an understatement... Work has been busy which is good but stressful for EVERYONE here, any one that knows my boss knows what a "gem" he is when he is stressed out. I haven't been sleeping good at all this week, and i have been stressed about everything. So last night when my car had a melt down and put me on the side of the road for a bit, and then worked like. Nothing had happened i was (still am) upset. I am  MESS. I can say that enough, my hormones are running full speed and I'm here like wait what??? So I apologize if i seem out of it, ill be back on my game next week. I hope you are having a better week.

To end on a positive note, its Thursday and my sister is coming over for dinner. :)

Water

So we all have experience with this thing called water. For some it's a cemical compound H2O, and others its a drink. Water has many functions.  we use it every day, from watering plants, drinking for our selves, and bathing to religious ceremony. Water has many uses and diffrent meanings to all of us.

Today I got the chance to sit on the dock of my aunts pond, and talk with Nathalie, as she did her devotions. The water was cold but not to bad. The fish and turtles were splashing. It's was beautiful and peacefull. Water to me is relaxin and seems to put my mind at ease, that not much can. It makes me feel totally relaxed and at rest, which I almost NEVER feel. This weekend has been fantastic, I spent time with my amazing family, I made progress in healing my relationships, and reconect with cousins I don't see very often. It's was full of relaxation and family. It's was amazing, thank you to everyone that made this weekend possible for me. <3

The winds of Change.

Yeah yeah change... it's a popular topic for me, I know but today I'm not interested in things that have already changed, I want to explore change that is coming...


This past weekend was rough and long... but I have resolved the problem. Through resolving it, I learned that I had a voice. I am a person who gets a say in how I should get treated, and if someone is playing with me then I have the right to call them out and stand up for myself. I feel really empowered and good about my self and more confident in my self than I have in a long time. I LIKE IT!! I am going to stop just sucking it and dealing. I'm going to stop being a "doormat" and demand the attention I deserve.
   Now don't worry I'm not going to turn in to a pre-Madonna, but I am going to be a better me. I have a lot of things going on in the next few weeks, like I have to learn how to get through TSA and board an airplane for the first time. I am launching my self into these new situations with confidence. For the first time in my life I am excited to learn how to "adult".

Wicked

So as a pass time at work I watch Glee, I'm on season 5 right now I like at the music is AMAZING!!!

The song Defying Gravity, has been done many times, because of is complex vocals it shows off the singers talent.... blah blah blah.. its good trust me.

Well I have been trying to listen to the lyrics of the songs they sing, because they were picked for each moment and they have some purpose...

So I was listening to the lyrics, and they are great!!! If you don't know them or just want to read them again, here you go....

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
And you won't bring me down

I'm through accepting limits 'cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change but 'til I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost!

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you won't bring me down

Unlimited (unlimited)
My future is (future is) unlimited (unlimited)
And I've just had a vision
Almost like a prophecy
I know it sounds truly crazy
And true, the vision's hazy
But I swear, someday I'll be...

Flying so high! (defying gravity)
Kiss me goodbye! (defying gravity)

So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately,
"Everyone deserves the chance to fly!"

I'm defying gravity!
And you won't bring me down, bring me down, bring me down!

The song starts off by saying something has changed and that she is not the same, I can relate to this a lot! I love how the song is about embracing the a change, and using it to achieve new heights and better things. Now the song is was written for the Musical Wicked, so the song is about a witch who decides to embrace the fact that she is not like the others and goes on her own path therefore, when she talks about defying gravity she really means shes flying on her broom around stage.... Now I'm not flying around a stage, and I doubt you are, but we can take a "flying" leap in to something new in our lives. At some point or another we all have to accept that we are different than "that group of people". The group of people that maybe we grew up with or tried to be like, we have to find the people like us and "fly" to them. I believe at some point we ALL have to leave something or some one(s) and take that "flying leap" to do whats best for us. We have to surround our selves with the people that support us, the people that let us fly, those that let us be who we are and who we need to be. 

So before some one else comes in and needs the computer and I spend 10 minutes trying to remember what i was saying.....   When change comes your way, embrace it and take the flying leap towards what ever you want. <3