The Climb

I have been listening to ALOT of music the last few weeks. The babies sleep better with it on. 

So everyday I try and put something different on, to keep things fresh and entertaining for me. So the other day I put on a Disney playlist. There is so many good songs and motivational songs in the play list and its clean which is perfect for the kids. There was one song that really stuck with me; The Climb, by Miley Cyrus.

I know I know, she's not the greatest person, but I'm not focusing on that. I want to focus on the songs lyrics. 

I can almost see it

That dream I'm dreaming, but

There's a voice inside my head saying

You'll never reach it

Every step I'm taking

Every move I make feels

Lost with no direction

My faith is shaking

But I, I gotta keep trying

Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain

I'm always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be an uphill battle

Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing

The chances I'm taking

Sometimes might knock me down, but

No, I'm not breaking

I may not know it

But these are the moments that

I'm gonna remember most, yeah

Just gotta keep going

And I, I gotta be strong

Just keep pushing on, 'cause

There's always gonna be another mountain

I'm always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be an uphill battle

Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb

Yeah

There's always gonna be another mountain

I'm always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be an uphill battle

Sometimes you're gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb

Yeah, yeah

Keep on moving, keep climbing

Keep the faith, baby

It's all about, it's all about the climb

Keep your faith, keep your faith

Whoa

 So the last week has been really hard, I had alot on my plate for work. I didn't think I was handling everything as well as I should have been. I agreed to work with this family till next summer. As a result when I am having a bad day I tend to focus on how much long i have here and whats on the other side. This song is a good reminder that I shouldn't be focusing on "getting out" but on enjoying the time I have here. In the end, my memories will be in the things I learned and what I accomplished. If I spend all my time thinking about how hard things have gotten and wishing I was done, all of those good memories will be tainted. I need to remember to ask myself on the bad days, how can I learn from this, and how can I turn this around and make this better. Now, I realize that not all problems can be fixed this day and that some days are just going to be sh*tty, but that's what chocolate is for.   

Do you have any tricks for staying positive through hard times?? 

Long days

So my job keeps me busy. Like really busy. Babies eat every 3 hours and it take almost a hour and a half to feed them so I have an hour and a half to get everything else done.  Let's just say I don't get much done. Some days are worse with babies that are really fussy, but other days are a little better where they sleep perfectly. Most days I get thrown up on at least once. I've peed on. Some days push me to my breaking point. I've come close to crying in front of my boss. Those who know me know I hate crying, especially in front of others. Some how by the grace of God, I have made it through these hard days. And I'll keep make it work. Everyday I don't quit or give in, I get stronger. I'm exhausted, physically, emotionally, spiritually, any way you can be exhausted, I am. However that's when you grow the most when your at your wits end, not when you're doing good. Those of you who pray, please pray that God continues to give me the strength and patience to do this job. And those who don't keep sending me your good vibes. <3

One year check in...

Its been over a year since I last talked with you all. I hope you are all doing well. So much has happened but there are two main big changes I want to tell you all about.

First of all..... I GOT ENGAGED!!!!! Last October!! I am very excited! Trey and I are getting married in January, in New Zealand. Its just going to be us and 3 friends. No family, no drama (hopefully).  There was enough drama when I told my parents that I had gotten engaged. Many words were exchanged. Things were said that hurt more than a thousand knives, and can never be taken back. I know one day these wounds will heal, but the scars will still remain. I love my parents and understand why they take the stand they do, even though I don't agree with them. They have chosen not to support or attend a traditional wedding. This is one of the reasons we decided that we would get married over seas. We have decided to make an adventure out of it, and are going to make the most of it. We are getting married in January but we wont live together until June, because....

I am in Kansas and have been for the last 6 months! I took a nanny job in out here in January. The kids I nanny for are 10, just turned 12, and twin 3 weeks old girls. I has been a struggle to adjust to life out here. I live with them and so I cant help but feeling a loss of my independence. About once a month I get profoundly home sick and miss everyone so much. but most of the time I am content with my job. I really do enjoy my job, the kids are great. I have made some great friends out here. They are amazing support system, and help me when I am down. I spend most of my weekends at there houses. My time out here has not been what I expected but it is still good. I don't regret coming out here only wish i could have taken home out here with me.

Some other changes I will just tell you, My grand father and Uncle on my Dads side past away. My car is broken again. My parents just sold the house I grew up in. Trey took a job in upstate New York, and is graduating in Dec. After he graduates he will move to upstate New York to be a camp site director. After I finish out here I will move up with him.

Anxiety

Hi.
As you all know I have severe anxiety. This makes small problems big deals, not because I want attention or I'm being dramatic, but because I am truly afraid, even when I know that fear is irrational sometimes. Most days I can cope, most days I am ok.  Other days I'm a complete mess.
Years ago I was told that anxiety was not a condition that needed medicine, you only need to seek the Lord's help. Even back then I knew that was wrong. Now before you all jump on me, about how the Lord is in control of everything, and the numerous bible verses about fretting not, I'm not going to tell you that you shouldn't ask God for help. My faith plays a part in making me less anxious,  however it is not the only piece.
In my experience, little as it may be, there are two main types of anxiety, the ones we can control and the ones we cant. God help me with the ones that are controllable, my medication help with the ones that aren't. The meds reduce the uncontrollable times, so that I can have control and worry less. There are still times when I have no control, even to the point where I can't regulate my breathing. These are panic attacks, having a panic attack is does not mean you are looking for attention. You can't control them. They can come out of no where, any thing could be a trigger. This is the worst part of anxiety, the fact that you don't have control and everyone thinks you do.
Telling some one that is anxious to relax that there is nothing to worry about, or to stop being so dramatic, is the most frustrating and insulting part. Chance are we already feel bad that we are so anxious, and not being able to control it. Saying these things can make a person even more subconscious about being anxious which can make it worse. We stay being anxious about being anxious, and so begins a downward spiral.
We don't want special treatment either, we don't need a bubble around us. We just want some consideration, that when we freak out you give us some space and time to collect our selves. And everyone needs a different amount of space, you have to figure out what works for you. Some days will be bad, and you won't want to see anyone or doing anything, but others days you can go all day and not have a problem. There are days that you go all day and the right before bed you lose it really hard.
Remember none of us are mind readers, so you might not know what we're  freaking out about, it may be something that happened 10 years ago, or something that has never happened. There are times when we have absolutely no idea what is wrong.
My boyfriend uses the distraction method. When I start to have a panic attack he starts talking about babies. (I love babies) This has worked really well for me. Finding a way for him to help took some time but it was worth it.
Be patient. Nothing is fixed over night, but things do get better.

Lots of love <3

Settling down? ??!?!?!

So things got really crazy and felt out of control for a while. But in the last two days things seem to be falling into place and settling down, (knock on wood). The court case got wrapped up, I lost. I decided to not worry about my jobs after I move and just focus on keeping track of the week ahead of me. Which is alot harder than one might think. I settled on the dates that I will be in KS. I have enough jobs that I can pay all my bills and pay my parents. My parents and I are doing great! Trey has come over a couple times to hang out with them, and they are all doing well with each other, which makes me unbelievably happy.
There are still things yet to be settled, but I'm trying not to think about those too much. We finally got my meds dialed in, and I'm not gave panick attacks as frequently or as bad as I was. My over all anxiety is way down. To the point that I'm sitting out side in the middle of CCSU'S campus, and not feeling extremely pariniod. Which is a huge improvement from not being able to walk from the dorm to my car alone.
Things are going pretty good, and I hope they stay this way and continue to get better. Hope you are all doing great, and enjoying this lovely spring weather. :) <3

New year....

Ok so it's been a while, but things have been nuts. The whole car situation got most of the way solved. So I bought a car when the insurance money finally came in, but that car turned out to be not safe to drive, so we are trying to get my money back from the people but well they don't want to give it back. My parents paid for a car for me, I will be paying them back for the next 2 years.
Christmas was great!!! I had fun with all of my family's (Treys and mine). It was nice to be include in to treys traditions this year. I had so much fun I can't even being to explain, I think we went to 6 or 7 Christmas parties.
New years was quite, I baby sat for aunt Lauren.
Apparently nat and I went through more oil then we should have considering the thermastat was set at 65 or lower. Yesterday in the snow storm, it was discovered that we had no oil and therfore no heat. So that was, IS stress full.
So I'm stressed about trying to make a little money go a very long way, so this is the not fun part of adulting.

Even though I'm really stressed, I know I'll figure it out. The big guy upstairs always seems to make things work in ways I can't explain, I shouldn't have been able to make my rent for the last two months, but I managed to. I have some really great friends, that always seem to know what I need, with out me asking them. I have a great family that supports me all the time. The relationship between me andy mom has gotten to the point that she now text me to find out why I haven't visited in a few days. Which I think is great!! I love my mom, over the last month no matter what problems I through at her she always has an answer, I may not agree but it's nice to know she takes the time to try and help me. I'm really thankful for the people in my life. I can't even being to explain how everyone has touched me. It's been a really stressful and yet blessed month.

Can things get any crazier????

YIKES!! So its been a long time since I have posted... Things have been REALLY busy crazy!

So I think last time I was here was before I moved... SO I moved. I now live with my older sister. We share a 2 bedroom apartment in Moodus. I am loving it! Her and I are working out a few "kinks", but its still way better than my old apartment.
I now know how to deal with a bank when your debt card gets scammed... that was fun...well they had fun anyway, they were in Nevada. :/
I left my job at Absolute Auto, and now do before and after school care for a sweet girl. I also dog sit in the middle of the day. J
On the first day of my new jobs I was in a car accident that totaled my car. I am not hurt at all, but have been with out a car for about a month now. I have been dealing with his insurance company, because I was not at fault. He drove OVER the hood of my car... :/  I am still waiting for the check from them, so I can purchase a new car.
I now have two cats, Dumble-Dorf (aka Mr.Prick-els) is a boy, and Smoke is a girl. They are very cute, and need LOTS of petting. The other day I was trying to eat some chips and he kept trying to get one, so I gave him one and he licked all the salt off and then left it in the middle of the floor...


In the last few months, I have been so very thankful for my parents and family. They have helped me SO very much, with well... everything. Even now I'm typing on moms computer. The relationship between me and my mom is probably the best it has EVER been. I am very happy about that. My family extends to beyond the reaches of this house. My aunt and uncle continue to be a huge blessing. Lauren has helped me navigate this twisted path of anxiety, and has been a rock on which I climb when I feel like I'm drowning.  Andy has been giving me great life advice and tips. Treys family has been great as well they are always there if I just need to chill and relax. Trey and I have made Sunday dinners at there house, our tradition. I enjoy these dinners immensely, they are a time of jesting and fun. Trey has also been hard at work repairing the relationship with my parents, for this I am both happy and thankful.
  I am excited for the holidays coming up, I am helping mom with preparations. Yesterday I spent the afternoon wrapping garland on the railing posts. I am very excited for all the parties, I love getting together with every one. This year is a mix of Treys family and mine, which is very exciting for me.

Oh yeah I turn 19, tomorrow... :) I cant believe I am already 19! ahhh!!!!

I hope to post more regularly but with the holidays, I make no promises. XOXO